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justa joke (not m/c related)
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nj1639
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PostPosted: October 18, 2009, 5:48 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

That's a good'un. A barber is cutting hair in his shop, a fellow pops his head in the door and says, "How long of a wait for a cut?
The barber looks around, counting, and says, " I've got 4 before I can get to you."
The fellow leaves.
A couple days later the same fellow pokes his head in the door and says, " How long for a cut?"
The barber looks around, counting, and says, " There's 6 before I can get to you."
The fellow leaves.
A few days later the same fellow pokes his head in the door and asks, " How long of a wait for a cut?
The barber looks around, counting and says, " There's 3 before I can get to you."
The fellow leaves.
The barber looks over to one of his regular customers and says, " Follow him and see where he's going."
A bit later the regular comes back, the barber asks, " Well? Where did he go?'
"He went to your house."

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650skull
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PostPosted: October 18, 2009, 6:00 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Laughing Laughing Nice one guys...........Goes to prove you can't win either way.......Don't look after your girl she will look else where or work to hard and don't have the time to look after your girl she will look else where...... Laughing
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pumps
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PostPosted: October 18, 2009, 9:39 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A firefighter comes home to his wife after shift and says, " We're going to do things like we do at the department, using alarms. If I say 1st Alarm you go into the bedroom and we'll kiss and make out. If I say 2nd Alarm you get undressed. If I say 3rd Alarm you get on the bed and we'll go at it, do you understand? " The wife, not quite knowing what to say, agrees. The firefighter comes home after his next shift and says loudly, "1st Alarm!" They go into the bedroom and kiss and get all worked up. The firefighter says, "2nd Alarm!" and the wife dutifully get undressed. The firefighter says, "3rd Alarm!" The wife gets on the bed and they begin to have a go at it. After a few minutes the wife shouts out "4th Alarm, 4th Alarm!" Perplexed ,the firefighter says," 4th Alarm? What the heck does that mean?" The wife shouts out, " More hose, more hose, you're not even CLOSE to the fire!"
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jayel
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PostPosted: November 21, 2009, 1:04 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

How to make a Woman happy:

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48.. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes







HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

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xsjohn
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PostPosted: November 21, 2009, 1:37 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

With all of that it's a wonder we find time for other women..... Laughing
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gordo
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PostPosted: November 21, 2009, 3:26 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

"If the women don't find you handsome, Better find you handy." Red Green.
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xsjohn
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PostPosted: November 21, 2009, 3:48 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Looks like they find jayel pretty handy......... Laughing
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jayel
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PostPosted: November 21, 2009, 4:07 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

same woman for over 25 years, she's about got me trained
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gordo
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PostPosted: November 21, 2009, 4:31 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

jayel,either that or she is up for Saint Hood. Just kiddin', glad to see a relationship work, actually.
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Srinath
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PostPosted: November 24, 2009, 11:11 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

weekendrider wrote:
A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Oh man, seriously I drove through louisiana in march of 08 on my way back to charlotte. We stopped at a KFC and there we got to talking to this litte old black man. He said he was 98 and he had great great great grands as well in addition to all these listed above.
I got to thinking how different it can be, my grandpa who died earlier this year was almost 96 and he only has great grands. We have shorted him a whole 2 generations.
Of course he was 28 or so when he had his first child my mom, My mom was also 27 when I was born and my younger brother had a daughter in 02 when he was 32.
Cool.
Srinath.
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jayel
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PostPosted: November 24, 2009, 12:38 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.

Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.
Proof: Most men have an even number of arms. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.

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Barbara
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PostPosted: November 24, 2009, 12:46 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Jayel, you are a sick man. I like that! Very Happy

Although Pumps "hose" joke was pretty good, too......

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weekendrider
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PostPosted: November 24, 2009, 12:54 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)


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Srinath
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PostPosted: November 24, 2009, 1:32 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

pumps wrote:
A firefighter comes home to his wife after shift and says, " We're going to do things like we do at the department, using alarms. If I say 1st Alarm you go into the bedroom and we'll kiss and make out. If I say 2nd Alarm you get undressed. If I say 3rd Alarm you get on the bed and we'll go at it, do you understand? " The wife, not quite knowing what to say, agrees. The firefighter comes home after his next shift and says loudly, "1st Alarm!" They go into the bedroom and kiss and get all worked up. The firefighter says, "2nd Alarm!" and the wife dutifully get undressed. The firefighter says, "3rd Alarm!" The wife gets on the bed and they begin to have a go at it. After a few minutes the wife shouts out "4th Alarm, 4th Alarm!" Perplexed ,the firefighter says," 4th Alarm? What the heck does that mean?" The wife shouts out, " More hose, more hose, you're not even CLOSE to the fire!"

This doesn't make any sense ...

My wife usually says she's too tired and wants to sleep.
I say, Oh, its OK you can sleep, you wont feel a thing and it'll be over before you know it. Yea ... works well ...
Cool.
Srinath.
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yamaman
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PostPosted: November 28, 2009, 8:50 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Not bad!

clipta.com/Absolutely_...v820146201

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PostPosted: November 29, 2009, 1:25 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
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PostPosted: November 29, 2009, 1:39 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I’ve been driving ‘hearses’ for the last 25 years!”



Priest is checkin in to a hotel and says to the receptionist: I hope the porn is disabled
Receptionist:no its normal ya freak



A man jsut got a new face plant and it made him look younger so he decides to try out his new look when buying a newspaper at a newsstand. He says to the clerk, “Try to guess how old I am” The man says “20?” “No I’m 40″ says the guy with the face plant. The man decides to try it out again hwile at Mc donalds. He asked the lady and she replied with “50″ No I’m actuallu 40″ he says. So he’s waiting for the bus and an old lady comes by so he asks her how old she thinks he is and she says “Well, I have this thing that I can tell how old a man is by sticking my hands down their pants for 10 minutes. We learnt it in military school.” The guy, truting her says ok since no one was around” The ladies hands were down his pants for 10 minute sthen finally she says “You’re 40.” “How did you do that? How did you know?” asks the man. “I was standing behind you at Mcdonalds” (gets on bus).

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PostPosted: December 3, 2009, 6:51 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

All one big happy family again


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PostPosted: December 6, 2009, 9:57 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"

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jayel
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PostPosted: December 9, 2009, 1:34 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

XSJ having a wonderful time wish you were here, only lost power for 4 hours this morning

98% of American say Oh Sh1t before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

the other 2% are from Iowa and they say "hold my beer and watch this"



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PostPosted: December 26, 2009, 5:57 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

how tequila works


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pumps
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PostPosted: December 26, 2009, 6:11 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Beer is good for you.
www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

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xsjohn
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PostPosted: December 26, 2009, 6:32 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Haven't laughed all day till I saw those two.................keep it up.....I have been to serious lately.............xsjohn
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PostPosted: December 26, 2009, 6:39 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

hey Merry Christmas and happy new year john, don't know who this gal is but evdently she knows you


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