justa joke (not m/c related)

xsjohn · Posted: April 27, 2009, 9:29 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Great joke PP..........if there's a will there's a way.......which means there is still hope.........

xsjohn

jayel · Posted: May 3, 2009, 9:23 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Very Punny:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask, how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Pure-Pork · Posted: May 4, 2009, 9:36 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Old Lady Biker

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

gs1327 · 650Rider Supporter Joined: Feb 20, 2007 Posts: 170

BigGeorge · Full Member Joined: Apr 13, 2008 Posts: 267

I took my bike to a new mechanic and I was somewhat worried that this new guy would try and rip me off.. Boy was I relieved when he said all I needed was turn signal fluid...........

Retiredgentleman · Posted: May 9, 2009, 11:17 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Who says plumbing is a boring job.

jayel · Posted: May 9, 2009, 11:35 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

BigGeorge wrote:

I took my bike to a new mechanic and I was somewhat worried that this new guy would try and rip me off.. Boy was I relieved when he said all I needed was turn signal fluid...........

BG you can get all that stuff a lot cheaper at kalecoauto.com/ Blinker fluid..... $8.99 a gallon what did that rip-off dealer charge?,............... check out the wiper blade sharpeners, plug wire cleaner, adjustable power bands, all kinds of good stuff

Retiredgentleman · Posted: May 9, 2009, 11:55 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Ah, global warming, it's not so bad after all Smile

BigGeorge · Full Member Joined: Apr 13, 2008 Posts: 267

[/quote] BG you can get all that stuff a lot cheaper at kalecoauto.com/ Blinker fluid..... $8.99 a gallon what did that rip-off dealer charge?,............... check out the wiper blade sharpeners, plug wire cleaner, adjustable power bands, all kinds of good stuff[/quote]

Wow Jayel, neat stuff for sure.... I did pay a little more for the "blinker fluid" but he did change all the stale air in the tires for free as long as I promised to return in 2 weeks to have my spokes rotated $29.95 each wheel or was that each spoke hmmmmmm can't remember.......

Pure-Pork · Posted: May 10, 2009, 8:14 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Farm stuff......

What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
***********
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
*************
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
*************
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

jayel · Posted: May 10, 2009, 8:58 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Pure-Pork wrote:

Farm stuff......What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?

Baa-gamist?

Retiredgentleman · Posted: May 10, 2009, 12:54 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

When the girlfriend's parents come home early, its sure to spell trouble.

kingwj · Posted: May 10, 2009, 2:16 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

xsjohn- go f*** yourself
kingwj- if I could do that I'd be a hermit.

xsjohn · Posted: May 10, 2009, 2:55 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

"""""""xsjohn- go f*** yourself""""""""

To late.....has already been done...... Sad

xsjohn

jayel · Posted: May 10, 2009, 6:53 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Around age ten, my dad got me one of those little badass long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40-horse Farmall tractor will take six rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.

That got boring, so being the ten-year-old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity farmland so there really wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way: a set of post hole diggers and a three-foot hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it: to a ten-year-old old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a one-pound can of dad's muzzleloader black powder.

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... one pound of powder and sixteen ounces of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of powder and dumped it too.

Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about twenty five feet and lit the two-stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released, I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck. OH CRAP! He just got home from work. So help me God it took ten minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of powder and into the can.

Oh. Hell.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 MF'n decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering one foot above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE!

There was a big weepig willow tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes, with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a WWII flashback: "ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!"

His hat has blown off and is thirty feet behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about two thousand feet over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s three-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know. I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... Repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more.

Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years, and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life

gordo · Posted: May 10, 2009, 7:26 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Three brother's were pig farmer's.Not to bright, one get's an idea on how to fatten up the pig's quicker." I know what we'll do,"he say's."We put a cork in the pig's rectum, that way he can't poop, and he'll get real fat fast".One brother say's," OK smart guy, so how do we get the cork out?" "We'll train a monkey to pull it out." OK, they get a monkey and start training it, first pulling cork's out of bottle's,ect.After six month's, the brother's are sure the monkey can do it, and the pig is HUGE!!!About1500 Lbs. They put the pig in the barn,put the monkey in with it, and close the door. 2 week's later, they all come to in the hospital.The Doc ask's the first brother if he remember's anything. He say's "Nope, just s*** everywhere."Second brother say's the same thing.Ask's the third, and his reply was"That poor monkey tryin' like hell to get the cork back in". Very Happy

Retiredgentleman · Posted: May 10, 2009, 7:26 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

jayel, how did this get into the joke thread? Sounds like you had a traumatic event there. Yeah, hope your dad beat the crap out of you Twisted Evil

Barbara · Posted: May 11, 2009, 12:22 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Jayel,

That made me laugh until I almost lost lunch! A "can't stop laughing in church" sort of howling!

It doesn't help that at the age of about 19 or 20, a guy I was with decided it would be neat to set half a five-lb stick of dynamite in a tree stump and ignite it with a .12 gauge loaded with #1 buckshot.....I do know about that blast thing.....

God, but that was a funny story!

jayel · Posted: May 11, 2009, 8:37 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Barbara wrote:

Jayel,

.....I do know about that blast thing.....

God, but that was a funny story!

so at least we have an excuse for what's wrong with us, now on to the rest of these people Laughing

xsjohn · Posted: May 11, 2009, 9:31 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

My dad was an Air Force Colonel ….When he was stationed in Newfoundland in the mid 60’s I was 17 years old……….the Base was essentially a huge tank farm and the planes there were all tankers that went up to fuel the B52’s that flew over on the way to Russia…..

As kids we decided to go camping in a blinding snow storm…..10 gallons of diesel fuel and tons of logs and beer……..drove around and got lost in the snow storm…..finally got out of the truck and tried to set up a tent and dug a hole for the logs and dumped in the diesel fuel…….huge fire…..thought we were in good shape……..then suddenly orange lights all around us………we were right in the middle of the tank farm and the whole base was on alert because they thought the tank farm was going up…….

Luckily for us the Base Commander didn’t report this to the Pentagon……later I found out why…….there would have been a complete investigation and maybe some high up heads would have rolled…..mine for sure……….skated that one barely…..

650skull · Support Staff Joined: Jul 19, 2007 Posts: 1186

Read about 2 guys that were convicted for beastiality.....
One guy was convicted for having sex with a goat.......
the other was convicted for acting the goat.

xsjohn · Posted: June 11, 2009, 8:24 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

I find these kinds of nasty jokes totally repulsive now.......since I have lost my balls and I have been doing a lot more thinking out of the ""box"" and have gained a totally different perspective on everything....so please refrain from such despicable behavior in the future if you would please... dear.... Laughing

xsjoan

pamcopete · Posted: June 11, 2009, 8:43 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Man walks into a bar with a monkey.

"Give me a beer" he says to the bartender. Bartender brings him a beer. The monkey jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. The bartender says, "hey....that cue ball is expensive!" 'You gotta pay for it, and get outa here with the damn monkey"

Tha man says "ok...I'm sorry, that stupid monkey will eat anything, heres $10 for it" and he leaves with his monkey.

A couiple of weeks later in a different bar, the man shows up with the monkey. Says to the bartender," Give me a beer". The bartender brings over a beer. With that, the monkey grabs a cherry from the cocktail tray, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Bartender says "That's the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. You're gonna have to leave and take the damn monkey with you".

The man says, "look, I'm sorry. The damn monkey will eat anything, but lately he checks to see if it will fit before he eats it".

650skull · Support Staff Joined: Jul 19, 2007 Posts: 1186

An illegal immigrant, upon entering the country looking for work was asking directions to a place called Jeopady.......
The person that was being asked couldn't remember nor had ever heard of the place and said so and asked if he was sure that jeopardy was the name of the place......
The illegal immigrant was annoyed with the answer and said, "look i know what i am talking about as i read in your local paper there was 1,000 jobs in jeopardy"

What Happened to 650rider.com?

Yamaha xs650