justa joke (not m/c related)

Retiredgentleman · Posted: March 27, 2009, 10:25 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

jimmythetrucker · Full Member Joined: Mar 12, 2008 Posts: 1283

A TRUE STORY (the joke was on me) --

At 11:00 a.m., I was on my way from Waterloo, IA, to Cedar Rapids via Hwy 218. I stopped at Casey's General Store in Vinton, IA, to get me a soda.

When I walked into Casey's, I was the only customer in the place. I went to the back and got my soda and walked up to the counter to pay for it.

By the time I got to the counter, another person was ahead of me. She had come in to pay for her gas. She was trying to write a check.

Problem was that her left hand was all smashed up. She had a cast on her left arm, from just above her wrist down to the second knuckle on each of her fingers. Looked like the wrist and all of the fingers were broken. The arm and the cast hung from a sling around her neck. Both the hand and the arm were utterly useless. And she was trying to write a check using her right hand only.

The check book was open on the counter. She held the pen in her right hand and tried to write the check. The check book was sliding around the counter top and she was chasing it with the pen and the cashier was too f***ing stupid to hold the book in one place so the customer could write on it. This went on for four or five minutes while the line got longer behind me.

I started getting ornery. To the woman with the cast on her wrist I said: "You know, if you didn't get so goddam drunk around home at night, you wouldn't slam your hand in the refrigerator, and you wouldn't have to wear that cast, and you'd be able to write a check like normal people do."

WHAM! She slapped her pen down on the counter and snarled at the cashier: "That's what I like about this little s***-hole town! Everybody in it stays busy tryin' to mind everybody else's motherf***in' business!"

Then she whirled on me: "An' YOU, you smart-alecky sonofabitch! Who in the hell called you and told you how I broke my goddam hand? I ain't been out of the hospital for fifteen f***in' minutes yet!"

I threw two bucks on the counter to cover my soda and beat it out the door. All the rest of that day I wondered whose ass she kicked over at the hospital and whether she was gonna sue them and how much she'd get. I don't know anybody in Vinton and that's the first time I ever stopped there in my life. I don't plan to go back, neither.

Pure-Pork · Posted: March 29, 2009, 5:22 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?'he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? '

* * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

Pure-Pork · Posted: March 29, 2009, 5:24 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Daaaaammm dude... How much water did you drink?!!"

Pure-Pork · Posted: March 29, 2009, 5:32 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Darwin Award?
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

jayel · Posted: March 29, 2009, 8:36 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

less than 50% hit to fire ratio, simply unacceptable

weekendrider · Posted: March 29, 2009, 10:37 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

2 shots and 1 hole don't mean a miss.

gordo · Posted: March 29, 2009, 10:56 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

One shot=one kill!End of story.

Pure-Pork · Posted: March 31, 2009, 9:08 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?

A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves .

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

pumps · Posted: April 4, 2009, 11:49 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's wrong honey?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack my love,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten b *** h,' she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!'

weekendrider · Posted: April 6, 2009, 10:42 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

ohh the introductions are going to be awkward Laughing

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nPqJaL2cIU

pumps · Posted: April 6, 2009, 11:15 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

I'll one up ya.
www.youtube.com/watch?...re=related

weekendrider · Posted: April 7, 2009, 9:23 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth.

Retiredgentleman · Posted: April 8, 2009, 10:58 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.Again she nodded at each of them, and said:

"Good morning, Father ~ Goodmorning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,

"Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!"

Retiredgentleman · Posted: April 8, 2009, 11:04 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her..

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -

but it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

Dunbar · Posted: April 8, 2009, 12:28 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

nice RetiredGent...that DID make my day.

weekendrider · Posted: April 9, 2009, 9:19 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

I just became a country fan.

Rodney Carrinton's
Show them to me. If you love your country.

www.tagtele.com/swf/em...e8c00&k=50

pamcopete · Posted: April 9, 2009, 9:46 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

One advantage to getting old is that everthing you buy will last forever...

Retiredgentleman · Posted: April 9, 2009, 10:18 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

weekendrider;
Country music and bare breasts..................can life get any better than that Smile

Oh yeah................some beer to go along with it, that would be perfect.

pumps · Posted: April 9, 2009, 11:28 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Food, need good food to go along with those.

Pure-Pork · Posted: April 12, 2009, 11:41 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Pure-Pork · Posted: April 12, 2009, 11:44 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:

"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"

"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:

"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."

"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"

"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."

Pure-Pork · Posted: April 12, 2009, 12:05 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Wal Mart when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. There is a sticker on the windshield that says when to do this.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
oney spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee:$1.00
Total:$21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can toavoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

oney spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20.00 2-Year
DUI Insurance: $8,000.00
Total:$12,145.00
But you know the job was done right

Pure-Pork · Posted: April 27, 2009, 9:22 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there.

Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

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