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justa joke (not m/c related)
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jayel
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PostPosted: March 2, 2009, 7:27 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bike, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, McCain/Palin 08

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

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borjawil
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PostPosted: March 2, 2009, 7:59 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

ahahaha keep em comin
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PostPosted: March 3, 2009, 11:26 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Yuk Yuk funny!
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PostPosted: March 3, 2009, 11:58 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

This could only happen with an little Italian kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

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PostPosted: March 3, 2009, 12:37 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Ride like they're out to kill you.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wT7zM8XgXQ

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Last edited by weekendrider on March 4, 2009, 1:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Buddy78SX650
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PostPosted: March 4, 2009, 12:14 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

> > Obama's "Stimulus" plan that KIDS can understand]
> >
> > This will make your day. It is so true!!!!!!!
> >
> > The little red hen called all of her Obama
> > 'Stimulus' supporting neighbors together and said,
> > "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to
> > eat. Who will help me plant it?"
> >
> > "Not I," said the cow.
> >
> > "Not I," said the duck
> > "Not I," said the pig.
> >
> > "Not I," said the goose.
> >
> > "Then I will do it by myself," said the little
> > red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very
> > tall and ripened into golden grain.
> >
> > "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the
> > little red hen.
> >
> > "Not I," said the duck.
> >
> > "Out of my classification," said the pig.
> >
> > "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
> >
> > "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the
> > goose.
> >
> > "Then I will do it by myself," said the little
> > red hen, and so she did.
> >
> > At last it came time to bake the bread.
> >
> > "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the
> > little red hen.
> >
> > "That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
> >
> > "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
> >
> > "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the
> > pig.
> >
> > "If I'm to be the only helper, that's
> > discrimination," said the goose.
> >
> > "Then I will do it by myself," said the little
> > red hen.
> >
> > She baked five loaves and held them up for
> > all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in
> > fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen
> > said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."
> >
> > "Excess profits!" cried the cow.(Nancy Pelosi)
> >
> > "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.(Barbara Boxer)
> >
> > "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.(Jesse Jackson)
> >
> > The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
> >
> > And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and
> > marched around and around the little red hen,
> > shouting obscenities.
> >
> > Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the
> > little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
> >
> > "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
> >
> > "Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what
> > makes our free enterprise system so wonderful.
> > Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he
> > wants. But under our modern government
> > regulations, the productive workers must divide
> > the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy
> > and idle."
> >
> > And they all lived happily ever after, including
> > the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am
> > grateful, for now I truly understand."
> >
> > But her neighbors became quite disappointed in
> > her. She never again baked bread because she
> > joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And
> > all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been
> > established.
> >
> > Individual initiative had died, but nobody
> > noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there
> > was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
> >
> > EPILOGUE
> >
> > Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
> >
> > Hillary got $8 million for hers.
> >
> > That's $20 million for the memories from two
> > people, who for eight years, repeatedly
> > testified, under oath, that they couldn't
> > remember anything.
> >
> > IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

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borjawil
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PostPosted: March 4, 2009, 12:36 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

f***. nuff said
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PostPosted: March 4, 2009, 1:46 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the
rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming
over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head
blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to
know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what,
pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over
her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

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PostPosted: March 4, 2009, 3:19 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they were all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed: "WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So, I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another, and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start .

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PostPosted: March 9, 2009, 11:00 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Jan 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, 29th. Also Feb 1st, 2nd, twice on the 5th and
6th, three times on the 14th and very likely again on the 18th at least once.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

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PostPosted: March 9, 2009, 11:13 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

ahahahahahaha. love it.
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PostPosted: March 10, 2009, 9:30 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Some things that make you smile?


1... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't..
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3..Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4..I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6..You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7...Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8..Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9..I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11..NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13..The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16..Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..
22... Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken..
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25...A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs....A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28...The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

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PostPosted: March 10, 2009, 11:12 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Best Quote on the Financial Crisis

"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.

I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."

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PostPosted: March 10, 2009, 11:39 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So, when I start?"

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PostPosted: March 10, 2009, 1:47 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Buddy78SX650 wrote:
> > Obama's "Stimulus" plan that KIDS can understand]
> >
> > This will make your day. It is so true!!!!!!!
> >
> > The little red hen called all of her Obama
> > 'Stimulus' supporting neighbors together and said,
> > "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to
> > eat. Who will help me plant it?"
> >
> > "Not I," said the cow.
> >
> > "Not I," said the duck
> > "Not I," said the pig.
> >
> > "Not I," said the goose.
> >
> > "Then I will do it by myself," said the little
> > red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very
> > tall and ripened into golden grain.
> >
> > "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the
> > little red hen.
etc.
> >
> > IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

It would have been a great barnyard, but it never came to pass. George W. Bush ate the cow. Dick Cheney ate the chicken. Karl Rove ate the pig. Donald Rumsfeld ate the duck. Allan Greenspan killed and ate the goose. And now the rest of us are gonna starve.
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PostPosted: March 10, 2009, 3:18 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

"IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?"


Like hogs to the trough.

www.google.com/search?...=firefox-a

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PostPosted: March 10, 2009, 3:48 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Oldy, but a goodie:


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

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PostPosted: March 11, 2009, 10:02 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4',' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.'

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3' ! Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

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PostPosted: March 13, 2009, 11:01 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings
are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say 's***!' the Rottweiler ate her!

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PostPosted: March 14, 2009, 9:48 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Bush goes to Hell
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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PostPosted: March 14, 2009, 11:47 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a
western town one day. He'd been out in the desert
for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied
his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a
gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the
other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and
laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever
danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger
said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,'
and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody
was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into
the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his
shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a
double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as
the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down
both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ***?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But
I've always wanted to.'

The 2 main lessons from this story are:

1. Don't ever waste your ammunition.

And most importantly........

2. Don't mess with old people.

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xsjohn
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Joined: Jul 30, 2006
Posts: 5857
Location: North Carolina USSA

PostPosted: March 14, 2009, 12:02 pm    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Don't mess with an old man...........that is some good advice......

Years ago in Orlando when I was about 25 and had finished a long ride I stopped at the local bar for a cold one.........sat beside this ole man and after a while we started to talk.........I must have said something to him to really piss him off....he grabbed me around the neck with both hands and it felt like a vice.........didn't want to deck him because of his age but I should have....that may have been my second mistake though.....he held my throat for what seemed like 10 minutes then turned to finish his drink..........later I found out he had been a oil rig worker and his hands were stronger than hell......

Won't tell the story again about getting wooped arm wresseling by a girl in front of my friends in a bar...long story short she was arm wresseling pro and sucked me in ........gotta watch the women too I found........

Haven't had any runins with children yet but at my age I am watching those little shits more closely too....... Laughing

xsjohn
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yamaman
Support Staff
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Joined: Jan 04, 2007
Posts: 1638
Location: Perth Western Australia

PostPosted: March 17, 2009, 10:18 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Two politicians were having lunch together at a local bar when one jumps up and says; "ah bugger, I've forgotten to lock the office". The other one says "it's ok mate, we're both here".
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Pure-Pork
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Joined: Sep 04, 2008
Posts: 76
Location: Western Illinois, USA

PostPosted: March 19, 2009, 9:47 am    Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

As A Mom Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator.

Shocked, She Asked, "what In The World Are You Doing?"

The Daughter Replied, "mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband!

Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator.

To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said, "dad I'm Thirty-five, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

A Couple Days Later, Mom Came Home From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places, The Living Room.

She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch, Downing A Cold Beer, And Staring At The TV.

The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy.

The Wife Asked, "what The Hell Are You Doing?"

The Husband Replied, "i'm Watching The Football Game With My Son-in-law."

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